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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25722457">All or Nothing</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Supernova_Sage/pseuds/Supernova_Sage'>Supernova_Sage</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Celestial Songs [14]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>AkuSai Month 2020 (Kingdom Hearts), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Celestial Songs, Heartache, Heartbreak, Inner Dialogue, LeaIsa Month 2020 (Kingdom Hearts), M/M, Musical Prompt Playlist, No Fluff, Pining, Post-Break Up, Songfic, Songs of the Sun and Moon, Unrequited, no happy ending, sorry y'all this one is sad</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 11:13:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,944</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25722457</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Supernova_Sage/pseuds/Supernova_Sage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Axel lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He glances towards the window and can still see light outside, even with the shade pulled. He’s not sure what time it is seeing as he broke his clock, but that’s okay. He hates keeping track of the time. It’s either too slow or too fast; there’s no in-between. The moments never stop like they used to. The moments…</p><p>Against his better judgement, he reaches for his phone. He takes a deep breath and tries to convince himself this is a bad idea before opening the gallery. Then he starts swiping through old pictures until he reaches the ones of him and—</p><p>Him and Saïx.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Axel/Saïx (Kingdom Hearts)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Celestial Songs [14]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1820650</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>All or Nothing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Song Used: "Someone You Loved" by Lewis Capaldi</p><p>August 5th, Day 30 of AkuSai/LeaIsa Month</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I’m going under and this time I fear there’s no one to save me</em>
</p><p>
  <em>This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy…</em>
</p><p> </p><p>When the alarm buzzes, Axel reaches a hand from out under the covers to silence it. Other than that, though, he doesn’t move. He doesn’t get up. Doesn’t toss the covers off himself. Doesn’t grab his phone. Doesn’t even bother checking the time. He doesn’t care enough to. Not when he couldn’t sleep the night before. Couldn’t close his eyes without seeing—</p><p> </p><p>The alarm is blaring again. This time, he grabs the clock and tugs before throwing it across the room. He hears it smash against the wall and barely flinches. He still doesn’t get up. Doesn’t peak from under the covers to see the damage. It can’t be any worse than how he feels. Not that he feels much of anything at all.</p><p> </p><p>Light floods into the room, causing Axel to pull the covers even tighter around himself. He doesn’t care to see who it is; he can already guess who. He’s not interested in talking to them, though. Not interested in talking with anyone. And apparently this person also isn’t interested in goading him out of bed. He hears the soft <em>click</em> of the door closing and the faint light seeping through the covers is gone. It’s dark again. Not how he likes it, but how he needs it. Tch.</p><p> </p><p>Except it’s not what he needs, either. What he needs, he can’t have. And what he has is… Nothing.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I need somebody to heal, somebody to know</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Somebody to have, somebody to hold</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s easy to say, but it’s never the same</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I guess I kinda like the way you numbed all the pain…</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Holy shit, you’re actually out of bed,” Roxas says at the sight of Axel shuffling into the tiny kitchen. The kid is sitting at the counter eating a bowl of cereal. “Wasn’t sure if you were still alive or not.”</p><p> </p><p>“Stop it,” Xion says as she appears around the corner. “We’ve talked about this; you can’t be making those sorts of comments.”</p><p> </p><p>“What does it matter?” He shrugs his shoulders. “Not like he’s gonna do or say anything unless I talk shit about—”</p><p> </p><p>“Stop. It.” Her face is stern. Roxas rolls his eyes but stops talking. Then she turns to Axel. “How are you feeling?”</p><p> </p><p>Axel doesn’t respond. Doesn’t register the question. He’s not even sure what he’s doing out of bed. Shocked he’s able to stand on his feet for as long as he has been. He still feels weak in the knees. And not in a good way. There’s then a hand on his shoulder, startling him. He can’t remember the last time he was touched.</p><p> </p><p>“Axel?” Xion speaks up. “Are you okay?”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s a dumb question,” Roxas says.</p><p> </p><p>She scowls at him. “Your sarcasm isn’t making you a good friend.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, I tried being a good friend a month and a half ago and he shot me down in favour of his ex.” He sets his empty bowl down and lifts his hands in surrender. “Not much else I can do.” And he turns the corner to his bedroom.</p><p> </p><p>A month and a half? <em>I tried being a good friend a month and a half ago</em>… No. No, that’s not possible. There’s no way in a hell over a month has passed. If that’s the case, then that means—</p><p> </p><p>“We’re worried about you,” Xion goes on. “We know this breakup hit you hard, but I’ve never seen you react this way.”</p><p> </p><p>He still doesn’t know how to respond. Doesn’t necessarily want to. Can’t find his voice and doesn’t care to. He knows Xion means well—hell, he even knows that Roxas means well—but that doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t change the last—Tch. The last <em>month and a half</em>. That thought almost pisses him off. The fact that he’s wasted so much time. Yet, at the same time, he can’t understand why it even matters. What else is he supposed to do with his time now? With his life?</p><p> </p><p>There’s nothing left for him.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Now the day bleeds into nightfall</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And you’re not here to get me through it all</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I let my guard down, and then you pulled the rug</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved…</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Axel lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He glances towards the window and can still see light outside, even with the shade pulled. He’s not sure what time it is seeing as he broke his clock, but that’s okay. He hates keeping track of the time. It’s either too slow or too fast; there’s no in-between. The moments never stop like they used to. The moments…</p><p> </p><p>Against his better judgement, he reaches for his phone. He takes a deep breath and tries to convince himself this is a bad idea before opening the gallery. Then he starts swiping through old pictures until he reaches the ones of him and—</p><p> </p><p>Him and Saïx.</p><p> </p><p>His nose scrunches up as his brow furrows. He has so many candid photos of the other man. Photos from all their adventures. At the beach. Their favourite café. Art museums. All those nights they were out from sunset to sunrise. Misadventures is more like it. They were all perfect, though. Worthwhile. And the look on Saïx’s face—The look in his eyes… Axel knows they were in love. He knows it was genuine. What he doesn’t know is why it ended the way it did.</p><p> </p><p>His gaze lands on the window as he wipes his eyes dry. The light is dimming. It’s already dusk. Tch. How the hell did that happen? When did that happen?</p><p> </p><p>He shakes his head as his focus returns to his phone. Hmm… He really should delete all these photos. He has no use for them anymore, after all. No one to share the memories with. And he doesn’t want to keep the memories for himself. They’re not happy when he reminisces on his own. They’re not even bittersweet. They’re just…depressing. Damn it. Everything about this is depressing. And wrong. It’s not meant to be this way. It wasn’t supposed to end like this. It wasn’t supposed to end at all. This isn’t how it should be. It’s meant to be—</p><p> </p><p>Dark. He finds himself looking at the window again and it’s dark. Nighttime. How? Only seven minutes have passed. Maybe eight. Not long enough for it to already be well into the evening. Tch. Much like everything else, this just doesn’t make any sense.</p><p> </p><p>A month and a half ago, Axel had his whole life figured out. Now, he’s more lost than he ever had been before. And he has absolutely no guidance. He has absolutely nothing.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I’m going under and this time I fear there’s no one to turn to</em>
</p><p>
  <em>This all or nothing way of loving got me sleeping without you…</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He spends the night tossing and turning. He can’t get comfortable. Doesn’t feel tired. His body is exhausted, but his mind is restless. His thoughts are running wild. Full of energy. He just wants them to shut up. He wants to be able to get a good night’s rest. For once. For the first time in a month and a half. He’s not sure when that’ll happen, though. If it’ll happen.</p><p> </p><p>No longer able to take it, Axel jumps out of bed. He grabs the nearest shirt and nearest pair of pants he can find, throwing them on. He slips out of his room, keeping his door open just a crack rather than risking closing it. He then grabs a jacket and his keys. Hell, driving is probably the last thing he should be doing right now, but he can’t stay here for another second. He needs the fresh air. The open road.</p><p> </p><p>As soon as he’s in the car with his hands on the wheel, he realises how bad of an idea this is. That doesn’t stop him, though. He isn’t going back. He can’t. So, Axel turns the engine on and drives off. He drives out of the city. Away from the noise. Away from the lights. Away from himself.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Now I need somebody to know, somebody to heal</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Somebody to have, just to know how it feels</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s easy to say, but it’s never the same</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape…</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He’s not sure how long he’s been driving for. Not long enough for the sun to start peaking up over the horizon yet. And while he’s in the middle of nowhere, he still knows exactly where he is. Where he’s going. To a place he’s gone so many times before. A place where time doesn’t matter. Where his life back in the city doesn’t matter. His past doesn’t matter, and his future doesn’t matter. A place where—</p><p> </p><p>A place with another car already present.</p><p> </p><p>He parks opposite the other vehicle and shuts the engine down. He swallows hard before stepping out of his car. He holds tight to his keys as he walks up the other car. He peaks inside to find it empty. Huh. He looks around a bit but doesn’t see anyone. So, he takes a few steps in each direction until his eyes finally land on a silhouette in the distance. Some stranger standing under the stars. A stranger… Yeah.</p><p> </p><p>Taking a deep breath, Axel walks forward until he closes the distance between him and the silhouette.</p><p> </p><p>“Nice night,” he speaks up. He looks up at the sky. “Perfect for stargazing.”</p><p> </p><p>The silhouette turns to face him. “What are you doing here?”</p><p> </p><p>The sound of that voice—<em>his</em> voice—nearly causes Axel’s heart to shatter. “Needed to get away from it all. And apparently you did, too.”</p><p> </p><p>Saïx chuckles sheepishly. “Yeah…”</p><p> </p><p>He pauses. “Mind if I join you?”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”</p><p> </p><p>“It doesn’t have to mean anything.” He dares to take another step closer to the silhouette. “You can act like I’m not even here.” He half-laughs, half-scoffs. “I mean, I’m surprised you’re even talking to me right now. I thought you hated me.”</p><p> </p><p>He lets out a heavy sigh. “You should hate me.”</p><p> </p><p>Saïx’s voice is soft and it catches Axel off guard. He’s always spoken with a low tone, but it was still firm. Rarely ever soft. Axel had always been the one to speak gently. So, this is an odd change of pace. A different side of Saïx. A side Axel hadn’t seen in the thirteen months they had dated. He’ll welcome this version of him with open arms, though. Hell, he’ll welcome any version of him so long as he gets to keep his company.</p><p> </p><p>It’s better than being alone. It’s better than having nothing.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Now the day bleeds into nightfall</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And you’re not here to get me through it all</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I let my guard down, and then you pulled the rug</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved…</em>
</p><p> </p><p>It’s not long before they’re both lying in the grass, head-to-head, and watching the stars. Watching the galaxy. It feels just like old times. It’s the best Axel has felt in weeks. In the last month and a half. And that terrifies him because he knows it’s not going to last. He knows it’ll come to an end by the time the sun rises. After that… Well, he really doesn’t want to think that far ahead.</p><p> </p><p>He does think back to the night everything fell apart. He thinks about how the world had fallen from beneath his feet in a single moment. How the ground had disappeared, and he fell all the way to rock bottom.</p><p> </p><p>Saïx was the one who chose to end the relationship. Yet, Axel was the one to chase after him. He begged for a second chance when he hadn’t even done anything wrong. Saïx just claimed to have fallen out of love, but Axel couldn’t bring himself to believe it. After all they had been through, there was no way they had just…<em>fallen out of love</em>. It just wouldn’t have been possible. And he didn’t understand where it had come from. The day before, they had been great. Perfect. Happy. They had been in love. So, there’s no way Saïx had gone to bed in love and woken up out of love.</p><p> </p><p>To this day, it still doesn’t make any sense to Axel.</p><p> </p><p>Coming back to the moment, he props himself up on his elbows and looks back at Saïx. He has his eyes closed, breathing deep and steady. Axel watches the rise and fall of his chest. He tilts his head, allowing a small smile to spread across his lips. He shouldn’t read too deep into this. He should know better. He needs to understand that nothing is going to come from this. Nothing is going to change. Saïx had made that clear when they broke up. That there would be no chance for them to reunite. To reignite the fire. To reignite the stars. Being here now, though… It’s getting harder for Axel to believe that it doesn’t mean anything. That it couldn’t lead back to something more. Thirteen months is a long time, after all. A long time to just throw away. And they had been so good together.</p><p> </p><p>He longs to reach out and play with Saïx’s hair. That had always been one of his favourite things to do. He has to resist the urge now. Resist the temptation to brush his hair behind his ear. So, he runs his hand through his own hair instead.</p><p> </p><p>This night has to mean something. He has to make it mean something. Axel won’t walk away—drive away—with nothing gained.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I fall into your arms</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’ll be safe in your sound till I come back around…</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“I’m glad I’m here,” Axel speaks up after the long stretch of silence. “I’m glad we’re both here.”</p><p> </p><p>Saïx sighs as he pushes himself into a sitting position. “This is why I knew this wouldn’t be a good idea.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t mean it like that—”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, you do.” He gets to his feet and brushes himself off. “I am going to go and we are never going to see each other again.”</p><p> </p><p>Axel jumps to his feet as the other starts to walk away, and he gets in front of him to block his path. “Hear me out, Saïx, please,” he says. “Can’t we at least try and be friends?”</p><p> </p><p>He shakes his head. “That’s not possible.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why not?”</p><p> </p><p>He steps past him, continuing to his car. “Because there’s just no going back to being only friends.”</p><p> </p><p>“If we can’t even be friends, then why did it have to end?” He goes on following him. “I still don’t understand what I did wrong. What changed?”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>You</em> changed,” Saïx says, turning on Axel and causing him to stop dead in his tracks. “I changed,” he goes on. “We both changed. And we grew apart. And it wasn’t working out anymore.”</p><p> </p><p>Axel shakes his head. He wants to scream. He wants to yell about how wrong Saïx is. He can’t find his voice, though. So, he squeezes his eyes shut as he tries to hold back the tears forming behind them. He pinches the bridge of his nose as the urge overwhelms him and he lets out a sob.</p><p> </p><p>Next thing he knows, his face is buried in the nook of Saïx’s neck, and Saïx has his arms wrapped around Axel. <em>This isn’t a good idea</em>. It’s not. It’s dangerous. But the last thing Axel wants is for Saïx to let go. He wants this moment forever. As bad as it may be, he wants it because they’re together. He wants it because this could be the last. And he’s far from being okay with that.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>For now the day bleeds into nightfall</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And you’re not here to get me through it all</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I let my guard down, and then you pulled the rug</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved…</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing,” Saïx goes on after letting Axel cry it out for a while. “You’ve made me a much better person. And I like to think I did the same for you.”</p><p> </p><p>“It is a bad thing, though,” Axel says. He pulls away from the other. Forces himself away. “Don’t try to make it sound good by saying that we’re better people now.” He shakes his head. “That doesn’t make it good. I don’t care if I’m better or if I’ve grown or whatever. I care about <em>you</em>. About being with you. And the fact that I don’t get to be with you—” He chokes back another sob. “I’m sorry for being in love with you.”</p><p> </p><p>There’s a gleam in Saïx’s eye. A glimmer. Light reflecting off something wet. “You don’t have to apologise for that. I’m sorry it has to end this way, though.”</p><p> </p><p>He can’t help the scoff. “Are you?”</p><p> </p><p>He seems taken aback by this. “Yes. It wasn’t an easy choice to make. Frankly, it was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do.”</p><p> </p><p>“Then why do it? Because it didn’t have to be done. We were happy. We were in love. I could’ve spent the rest of my life with you.”</p><p> </p><p>Now he smiles sheepishly, and Axel can see the shimmer of a tear rolling down his cheek. “You wouldn’t have wanted that.”</p><p> </p><p>“How do you know?”</p><p> </p><p>Saïx doesn’t say another word. He just takes Axel’s face in his hands and kisses him. This is more dangerous than anything else that’s happened tonight. Axel should stop it right now, but he melts into Saïx’s arms instead. He’s missed kissing him. He’s missed the feel of their bodies pressed together. The way they fit so well. <em>You wouldn’t have wanted that</em>. No. This is what he wants. It’s exactly what he wants. He wants Saïx. He wants to go back a month and a half. He wants to get it back. To redo it all.</p><p> </p><p>Rather than their last moment, this could be their second chance.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>But now the day bleeds into nightfall</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And you’re not here to get me through it all</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I let my guard down, and then you pulled the rug</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved…</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Axel lay on the hood of his car, watching the light as it slowly fills the once navy sky. He watches as it turns to grey. As the stars fade to nothing.</p><p> </p><p>He glances over to where Saïx’s car had been parked. He’s long gone by now. Axel really should’ve seen that coming. Should’ve known Saïx was gonna take off. Disappear. That had always been his signature move, after all. Vanishing after an argument because he didn’t know how to handle it. And no matter whose fault it had been, Axel was always the one running back to him. Chasing after him. Tracking him down.</p><p> </p><p>He pulls his phone out and opens the haunting gallery. He scrolls down to the images of Saïx and deletes them all. One-by-one. Something he should’ve done a long time ago. Just like how he should’ve turned around last might the instant he saw the other’s car. Or he should’ve let Saïx go when he had wanted to. He shouldn’t have cried. He shouldn’t have let him hold him. He shouldn’t have let him kiss him or kiss back. Hmm…</p><p> </p><p>Before he has the chance to delete the final picture, his phone starts to ring. It’s Roxas. He knows he should answer, but he just doesn’t have the energy. He’s not in the mood to be lectured. So, he ignores the call. Lets it go to voicemail. And then he ignores the message. That’ll cause both Roxas and Xion to really freak out, but he’ll let them yell at him later. For now, he needs silence.</p><p> </p><p>He returns to that final picture of Saïx. He takes a short moment to stare at it. Observe it. Admire it. Then he’s taking a deep breath. “Fine,” he says to himself. To the silhouette in the picture. “If you believe this is for the best, then so be it.”</p><p> </p><p>His phone starting ringing again. This time, it’s Xion calling him. He always picks up for her, but he can’t this time. Not yet. So, he ignores her call, as well, letting it go straight to voicemail. He’ll apologise later.</p><p> </p><p>Once again, he brings his attention back to that single picture. “Don’t come crawling back to me in another month and a half saying you’ve changed your mind again,” he goes on. “That you regret your decision. Because I won’t take you back. I will not let myself suffer through this all over again.”</p><p> </p><p>With that, he finally deletes the last image. Huh. He thought a weight would be lifted off his shoulders in regard to the action, but he doesn’t feel any lighter. He just feels…empty. Lonesome. Apathetic. Hell, he feels everything all at once while also feeling nothing at all. And he’s still trying to understand how exactly that works.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I let my guard down, and then you pulled the rug</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I was getting kind used to being someone you loved</em>
</p><p> </p><p>When Axel walks out of the apartment that afternoon, he’s surprised to see Saïx walking up the front steps. He slows his pace down a bit, unsure if he should address him or not. Before he can make his own decision on the matter, though, Saïx has already made the choice for him, approaching him and stopping before him.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you doing here?” Axel asks, folding his arms across his chest.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m here to let you know that I’m leaving,” Saïx says. “I figured I at least owe you that information.”</p><p> </p><p>“What do you mean—?” He clears his throat. “What do you mean you’re leaving?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m moving out of the city.”</p><p> </p><p>He purses his lips, nodding. “Is it that terrible being here?”</p><p> </p><p>He lets out a heavy sigh. “Please don’t turn this into something…”</p><p> </p><p>He holds his arms tighter against himself, his fingernails digging into his skin. “You really didn’t have to come here just to tell me that.” He shrugs his shoulders. “What do I care, right?”</p><p> </p><p>“Right.” He nods, swallowing hard. “Well, I hope you can be happy. And I hope you find true love.”</p><p> </p><p>He clenches his jaw. <em>I did</em>. “Yeah. You, too.”</p><p> </p><p>With that, Axel watches Saïx as he heads back down the few steps he had walked up. He watches him climb into his car and drive off. He watches until his car is lost in the traffic of the city. Lost to the world. He takes a deep, shaky breath. Once upon a time, he never would’ve imagined saying goodbye like this. He never would’ve imagined Saïx moving without him. Life and love are full of unexpected changes, though.</p><p> </p><p>Saïx had been unexpected. Falling in love with him had been unexpected. Falling out of love had been even more so. Saying goodbye had never even been an option, so of course that had been unexpected. <em>I at least owe you that</em>. Tch. Saïx only owes Axel thirteen months. He’ll neve get those back, though. Just like he’ll never get that goodbye back. It could’ve been so much more, too. It could’ve been unexpected.</p><p> </p><p>Instead, it was bitter. Passive. And thirteen months from now, it’ll be forgotten. Thirteen months from now, it’ll be just another day. Insignificant. Nothing.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm sorry for this one, y'all. I know it was kinda super depressing, but I just really adore this song and wanted to use it so badly (even if it broke my heart) lmao I hope y'all can forgive me x3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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